i think i'm slowly adjusting to the idea. somehow when presented with the knowledge of what i had never wanted to discover, it hurt certainly, but not as much as i thought it would. because gradually over time, my expectations were lowered and i never expected anymore than what i was given.

i wonder if i'm getting over it.

i doubt so. at first there was anger, now it's just hurt. somehow my sight is getting blurry.

horrors. i can feel the tears welling up in my eyes.

i really don't think i can get through this. i was wrong. i'm not adjusting to the idea. not at all. i just want to curl up into a ball and hope that the world forgets i'm there. i don't even know how i got myself into that kind of stupid pointless situation even.

i also think i should try to forget about this, because there are other more pressing issues i have to deal with. like the incomprehensibility of wage theory and the stupid econs essay i have to write as well as the 2 lit essays. fuck this. really just fuck this. i think i can't concertrate properly because i'm just feeling the disappointment and the anger. and that sucks because you can't feel both emotions at the same time.

i think i might do something i'll regret.

just trying to bury my disappointment in something else.

i hate life. i hate it so much. everything that i've tried to do didn't turn out the way i wanted it to. what does really? nothing. there's a towering black cloud hanging over my head. i try to explain away what i know, but haha, there really is no mistaking it. i guess i know what that means. perhaps it's for the better.

as if.

my shattered dreams are just a figment of my imagination now.
something that's just blowing in the wind.